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The Noncustodial Mom - Heartache and Strength
Birth Mom. Absentee Parent. Non custodial mother. All these titles, yet in my heart I know they are not true identifiers of who I actually am. As I searched the web yesterday in dire hope of finding relatable quotes (I know what you're thinking...but I love picture quotes even if they never do make it to my Instagram feed) to my own sad life story. I was falling in deeper and deeper despair because I was coming to the realization that there weren't many moms like me out there. At least I wasn't finding them on this big world wide internet.
My story begins almost 12 years ago. Or maybe it began before then, but for today we'll stick to me being a mom and not the daddy issues I clearly have. I became a mom to a precious little bundle of joy at the young, even though I didn't think I was, at the tender age of 19. I remember my aunt who is like a second mother to me tell me "Are you sure you want to have this baby? You will forever be connected to this man and your life will change forever!" If I close my eyes I promise you I can still clearly hear her voice telling me those words in my head. This is not to say that I regret having my daughter. I don't. She has molded me into the person I am today. While I still make mistakes, I don't hate who I am. She might hate me, but I don't hate me. If only she could've seen who I was then though...maybe she'd have a tad more appreciation for the person I've evolved into.
Anyways, back to my 19 year old self, so I was in love. Then we (I) had a baby. Then we weren't in love. Simple really and isn't that how the story goes for most young loves? The only exception was that I was tied to mine forever. So me and baby daddy (isn't that term so ehh but it perfectly describes the sentiment I feel towards him) split up. It was actually my choice. He was so in love with the idea of being in love and I was in love with the idea of realizing I didn't love him, at least not till death do us part. So I let him go. I always felt he would thank me later. I was never going to love him the way he should've been loved. (Btw I received no such thanks lol).
In high school had you met me, all my friends would've told you that I was the one that was going to succeed and graduate college and make something out of myself. I thought by 32 I would be in my dream profession, married to a wonderful man and be a mom to a daughter who just adored me. The dice just didn't roll that way for me. SLAP! Yeah, reality bitch slapped my little head out of the clouds. Instead, it was baby daddy who went on to get married, now happily (I think unhappily but whatever) for about 9 years now. They even recently added to their family with my daughters first sibling.
I think that's where the trouble started. At least where I started to notice the hatred my daughter had towards me. Once her dad and her stepmother cemented their relationship with another child, the idea that a family could only consist of a mother and daughter seemed unthinkable to my kid. I remember telling her dad that regardless if we weren't together we were STILL family. He scoffed at the idea. It made me wonder why my daughter hated our (me) family situation so much.
To be honest, her stepmother and I had a very rocky relationship. One I tried to shield my daughter from. Stepmom and I were complicated. We had so much in common it was actually scary and perhaps in another life we would've been really great friends. In this reality though, we were enemies. Not that I wanted us to be. The idea of my kid having a step parent who actually loved her was a relief because it could definitely go the other way. Cue the Lifetime movies. We've all seen the evil step mother flicks. The problem here was she loved my daughter as if she was her own. I don't say that to be dramatic. It's the absolute truth. Boundaries crossed galore. No respect for who I was or the fact that I was that little girls mother.
So while Mr. Baby Daddy was happily married, I battled a terrible relationship in where I was a battered abused woman. I could definitely delve into this further but perhaps another blog for another day. Either way, ultimately after fighting the courts, we agreed to joint legal custody. Her dad was a bit surprised but I felt like the phoenix rising...he expected me to fail so bad. So did Ms.Stepmom. I've never been the quitting type though. I enjoyed every moment showing them I could not, would not, give up on my kid. It wasn't about them but imagine the former love of your life and a stranger hoping you would fail at being a mom.
So I became the weekend parent. It was weird for me. Coming from a split household myself, I never pictured myself as the parent the kid saw every other weekends and holidays; but I knew if I ever wanted to get my life on track this was the way. So I fought from one menial job to another until I started making more money, enough to get my own place and support our small family. What I didn't want to admit was that my daughter's stepmother eased her way into my daughters heart to the point of my precious baby girl calling her mommy.
Damn that hurt. I had to now share my title of Mom while also seeing my ex live the dream I thought I would be living. If we fast forward to today, my daughter now prefers her step mother over me. Let me tell you, there is no heartbreak like the one you experience from your own child. I wept. And by wept, I mean WEPT. Think uncontrollable sobs, not performing well at work, and I even wondered why I was still on this earth to live if I was hated by the one person I loved so much.
"I don't want to be here anymore. I don't like being with you. I want to go home to my dad and mom." Famous last words said by my daughter to my face as tears silently slid down my cheek. She didn't flinch. She didn't even raise her voice. She had tried running away when she was with me, she had said unmentionable horrible things to my face. It didn't matter how much I pleaded or cried or screamed or begged...my daughter didn't want a thing to do with me. It broke me into a million pieces. You may be asking yourself right about now why does she hate me so much. According to her, it's because I hate her stepmother. Now I won't refute this statement but to my daughter that's a truth I will never admit to. I've given her stepmother so many gifts over the years trying to make peace, I have asked for a girls night so us three could bond, and have even walked a carnival or two with my daughter holding both our hands as if we're a couple. I did all I could. All I know is stepmom's #1 warrior and protector was none other than my daughter. And I couldn't stop it. I couldn't save her. I wanted to shake her so badly and say "STOP IT I AM YOUR MOTHER I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH!" But it wouldn't have mattered. She did not want to spend one more minute with me. She text her step mom to please pick her up and take her "home" and she left.
I wish this story had a happy ending, but it does not. At least not yet. I thought for a split second, maybe my daughter will still come to the family vacation I planned for this summer, but I received a text earlier in the week that she decided she didn't want to go. "Ok." I mean what else could I say. I have a dad who could care less if his daughter had a relationship with her mom and a stepmother who was more than willing to take my place. Put that together it's one lethal combination. And the fatality was me. I have never felt more defeated in my life.
So that brings me back to me googling the picture quotes in search to find something that correlated with my mess of parent hood. One that encompassed the heartache, fear, sadness, and acceptance a non custodial mother must face. Truth is, I found like 2. With all the people in the world I found 2 quotes that related to my life! Am I the only one? I can't and won't believe I am. I know I'm not the only victim of Stepmomcitis. LOL Yes I gave it a name.
Stepmomcitis (Noun) - a painful rejection of ones child due to or related to a step-parent who knows no boundaries.
Yep. My life. Now I know a lot of people will say well where do I take responsibility? That I must've done SOMETHING. You're right. I did. I loved a man who didn't love me and was too scared to walk away when I should've and I lost my kid. Let me tell you though, I am NOT a victim of domestic violence. I'm a survivor. I could've fought to get my daughter back but I thought what good is a mom if I'm making $10/hour. How would we live? How would we eat? Doesn't she deserve better? I had never been the type of mother to believe a child didn't need their dad. I never once told her dad while I had full custody that he could not see his daughter. So I did what I thought was best. I sacrificed my daughter living with me and on going court battles and let her live with her dad until I get back on my feet. I never imagined sacrificing for her would end up hurting me later on. I never imagined that a man I once loved would think it's ok his daughter not have a mom in her life. Wait, he does think she has a mom. I'm just not that mom.
Now as parents we always don't get it right, especially if a child is caught in between two homes. Split households are pain in the a$$ for the parents but more so for the kids torn between two homes, two families, two parenting styles. It's one hell of a tough road.
This blog right here though is not for the custodial parent. I mean kudos to the good ones out there but I wanted to write this for the non custodial parent. Especially the noncustodial moms. Talk about your small community. We probably are the taboo of parental minorities that exist. So this post is for you noncustodial mommies:
The one who feels there's no way out.
The one who feels like giving up.
The one who has given up.
The one who feels alone.
The one who is angry.
The one who is heartbroken.
The one who still wakes up every day and lives life because they have to.
The one who thinks their life is no longer worth living.
This is to you. This is FOR you. You are not alone. You are loved. It's more than 2 insignificant quotes. I want you to know that your child will not hate you forever. I believe this because I have to. I believe this because I know deep down inside I am a good parent. You are a good parent. I am a loving parent. And I bet so are you. Trust me when I say love ALWAYS finds a way. Always!
And if you don't feel too good about yourself today that's ok too. We all have sucky days, but this too shall pass. Cheesy but true. So regardless of how crappy your day may be, when you're looking at the picture of your child missing them more than they know, just know someone in this world, a noncustodial mom named Shanelle loves you too.
xo